Squirrels are Evil!

One Dog -- One Mission: To uncover the Great Squirrel Conspiracy

Tuesday, February 28, 2006

My portrit

my peepol drew a pikture of me on a grand doggie adventure!

Sunday, February 26, 2006

Geocaching again!

hurray! my peepol took me and my friend abby and abby's dad on another geocaching adventure! we found a stuffed cat toy and a high-bounce ball for me, and abby got a tiny little glowstick and a first aid for choking magnet.

one of the hiding spots was by my favorite river and i just had to jump in. at first randy told me "no no you cant get in there cuz its too fast" but then we found a slower part and i got to chase stix down the river. so much fun!

that's abby operating the GPS

that's me shaking off the river

Friday, February 24, 2006

The Hankenberg Principle

i was viziting my dog friends on the internet and i lerned a great trick from hank.

his hankenberg principle taught me the power of inaction. did you know that just staring at peepol has power to make them do what you want? i had no idea befor i red about it on hanks blog, so i tried it out tonight wen my peepol were eating ice cream:

and gess wut? IT WORKED!

Skwerrel Sabotoge

last nite the skwerrels struck!

wen the peepol came home, they said "hey, is it cold in here?" and i said "it has been getting colder in here all day!" but of corse they didnt understand. they looked at the funny box on the wall and asked it "how come it is cold in here?" but the box didnt say anything. silly peepol, i cud have told them that box never says anything.

so they kept messing with the box and talking nonsense for a bit and finally they decided it wasnt going to do anything. randy and i went to the garage and he flipped the big black lightswitch back and forth and it made the most terrible sound. it didnt turn on any lights that i cud see. maybe it turned on a black light, i dont know. all i know is it made a big skary sound and i didnt like it.

so we went back in the house and it was still cold. i cud have told them that the black lightswitch waznt the problem, the problem was the sabotoging skwerrels! but nobody ever listens to ivy. randy poked at it with wires and said it was dead.

we all got in the car and we went to the store. you know, the big store with the field that has rabbits. of course, they parked the car way too far away from the field so i cudnt see any rabbits at all. silly peepol dont know how to pick a parking spot. they came back a little bit later with a new box that smelled like lots of different peepol.

we went home and they got out a little thing from the box that smelled reel funny and made a strange noize, but i didnt even care about the noize becuz it breathed out hot air! hurray for the box! hurray for the peepol!

then me and randy went in the backyard. finally he was on the right track, cuz thats ware the skwerrels are. i ran around and around and kept all the skwerrels out and randy messed with the big metal box that makes skary sounds. it was so much fun becuz it was waaaay past my bedtime and i got to run around the backyard.

we went back in and randy flipped the big black lightswitch again and the house started getting warm again! the holes in the floor breathed hot air and everybody said HURRAY! and then we all went to bed.

rotten skwerrels cant freez us out of OUR house.

Thursday, February 23, 2006

Ode to butter

oh butter let me count the ways
you bring joy to my hart
i always love to sing your praiz
but dont to ware to start

your yellow color, soft and creemy
bekons me come neerer
your yummy smell so rich and dreemy
makes my mission clearer:

i haf to eat you yummy butter!
i haf to get a lick!!
but if my peepol find us out,
we better run, and quick!!!

my peepol tell me "not for you!"
they say that butter's bad.
but butter, know that this is true:
youre the best ive ever had.

Monday, February 20, 2006

I got LUNCH!

i cud hardly beleev my ears wen he said it: "ivy, do you want dogfood for lunch?" he said.

every day, i get dogfood for brekfest wen the peepol eat brekfest, and i get dogfood for dinner wen the peepol eat dinner. but in between brekfest and dinner every day, my peepol eat lunch. now dozent it seem fair to you that if the peepol eat lunch, then ivy shud eat lunch, too? yes of corse it does. it seems fair becuz it IS fair! dogz shud eat lunch, too!

so every day i tell those peepol, i say "hey hey hey! you peepol are eating lunch and it smells so good. ivy shud eat lunch, too!" but the peepol just look at me in that funny way they do, like they are trying reel hard to understand me, and they say "silly ivy, dogs dont get lunch." wen they say that, i give them my best sad dog eyes and make a big sad dog sigh, but they never seem to care.

but today, today my peepol finally said wut i haf been waiting for them to say for so long. finally randy looked right at me and said "ivy, do you want dogfood for lunch?" i raced to the dogfood bowl and sat right down, i was such a good girl. randy came over and opened the magic bin and scooped dogfood right into my bowl. i wuz so happy! they finally heard me! they finally saw things my way! i was a brekfast-lunch-dinner-eating dog! o happy day!

i wuz crunching so loud that i almost didnt hear him say "we are going to be out late, so today you get lunch instead of dinner."

oh, well. wen i am dog prezident, all dogs will eat lunch and peepol will just get brekfest and dinner. yeah.

Saturday, February 18, 2006

dog games vs. peepol games

dog games:

me and my friend sandy playing dog games

peepol games:

me and lindsay playing peepol games on the xbox

top 10 reezons why dog games are better than xbox games:
10. dog games exersize more than just your paws.
9. who needs a combat game when you can wrestle your best friend in the mud?
8. dog games dont require paw-eye coordination.
7. leaving pee-mail after dog games is ok. encouraged, even.
6. there is no shortage of dog games at xmas time.
5. dog games have always been hi-def... and you dont need to buy a new TV.
4. you cant be banned for cheating at dog games, becuz EVERYONE cheats!
3. nobody charges $2000 for dog games on ebay.
2. new dog games dont cost 60 dollars... you just make em up.
1. playing dog games with frends dozent require a subskripshun.

Thursday, February 16, 2006

poor snow peepol!

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

wite skwerrels

my peepol told me about the wite skwerrels and now i no why they are wite... it is camelfloge for the snow!
those sneeky wite skwerrels tryd to sneek into my yard but i ran so fast and so hard that i skared em all away. then i bilt a big snow dog to stand in the yard and keep them out.
skwerrels arnt too smart, not even the wite wuns.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

skwerrel love

i woke up this morning and found this card in my window. i think the skwerrels are trying to tell me sumthing. it must be part of theyr evil plot. they want me to beleev they are cute and snuggly but i no better. i bet the card had poison inside. i bet it was the old trojan skwerrel trick.

evil skwerrels.

Monday, February 13, 2006

how to be a "good" dog

this is a book of horror. HORROR, i tell you. it is a story about a poor repressed dog suffering under the most brutal opression of a cat. the cat does everything it can to make the poor dog look bad, and the peepol just side with the cat! HORROR! wen the cat takes on the task of "teaching" the dog to "be good" it is just an excuse for torture of the worst kind. ware is the SPCA? ware is the PETA special forces? ware is the FBI? it gets so bad i just cant go on deeskribing it.

worst of all this book is marketed at children. innocent, impressionable kids everyware will read this book and be brainwashed with cat-loving thots forever. they will be scarred for life! just wait and see, wen all thoz kids grow up i bet you will see the dog vurses cat popularity numbers shift more to the dark side. it is early brainwashing i tell you.

it just makes me shudder to think about it.

Sunday, February 12, 2006

it snowd today

i made a snow dog.

Mmmmm! my snow dog tastes good.

my snow dog is happy

me and my snow dog. we understand each other. he gards the front yard and i gard the back.

more proof skwerrels are evil

my frend dave found this important documentation that shows blatant skwerrel abuse of inosent dogz fur no reezon at all.

i no theez pictures are shocking and not eezy to look at, but it is important to get the truth out there.

thanks dave.

Saturday, February 11, 2006

white skwerrel spotted

my peepol found this news story reporting a rare white skwerrel in florida. i dont know wut this meens for shure but i bet it is a bad omen. i bet he is a skwerrel commander becuz he has a speshul uniform. wach out florida! beware the white skwerrel!

Thursday, February 09, 2006

i love the carpet

i love the carpet.

it is so flat and soft. it has little pieces of things and stuff to smell and sometimes crumbs of food to eat. i lay on it every day. sometimes when i lay down i say 'thank you, carpet.'

i love the carpet.

Sunday, February 05, 2006

Reading peepol make good pillows

when the peepols are on the couch, they are easy snuggle targets.

Saturday, February 04, 2006

"Stay here and be good"

i hate those words. oooooh how i hate those words.

when the peepol put the shoes on their feets and get out coats and make the keys jingle, i know what it means. it means they are going on an exciting adventure! it means they are going to ride in the car to see the world and smell new smells and meet new peepol. sometimes they get good food and sometimes they go for walks in the woods and sometimes they just put boring things in plastic bags and go home again.

but whatever they are doing, wherever they are going, i know this one thing is true: i know i want to go too!

so when i see the peepol put the shoes on and get out the coats and make the keys jingle, i make sure the peepol can see ivy and they know ivy wants to go. i do everything they like me to do. i sit, i lay down, i shake, and i jump and i tell them with my eyes that ivy is a very good dog and it is much more fun to ride in the car with ivy.

but then i hear those words. those awful words: "Stay here and be good." that's what they say to me, just like that. it really means "we are going to have a wonderful ride in the car and you are going to listen to the clock tick." it means "we will be having the time of our lives while you stare at the door waiting for us to return."

i try giving them the sad eyes, the poor little puppy just wants to be with you eyes. sometimes it even works. sometimes randy says "Oh, look at her. Maybe we should take her along" and then lindsay says "OK, it isn't hot out. She can come." and then i leap for joy! but most of the time they dont seem to notice my sad eyes at all.

most of the time i get to listen to the clock ticking.
staring at the door.
listening for the car.

most of the time i just stay here and be good.

Thursday, February 02, 2006

Skwerrels with Laser-Guided Missles!

The Skwerrels almost got my peepol today. they were really really sneeky and they were gonna blow up the peepol house! even worse, they were gonna blow up the house with my dogfood inside! those sneeky skwerrels got laser-guided missles, probably from the black flea market, and they were aiming them right at my living room.

but aha! oho! the skwerrels didnt reckon that ivy dog was on duty! i saw their sneeky little red dot aimed on my floor and i knew what waz up. i acted very calm so the peepol didnt panick and then as fast as a lightning bolt i pounced on that dot! i pounced it and i bit it and i disrupted that skwerrel laser so they couldnt fire their missles and blow up the dogfood... i mean the peepol house. not that the peepol need much help destroying their house -- they do a good job of that without any skwerrel help. but i saved the day anyway.

dont worry peepol: ivy dog wont let the skwerrels blow up the house. those skwerrels will have to get up pretty early in the morning to put one over on ivy dog.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

My peepol are CRAZY!

you wont believe what my peepol did yesterday. i didnt do anything wrong at all and all of a sudden for no reason at all they get out all the skary tools and start tearing my house apart! see i told you that you wouldnt believe it!

they banged on the wall with loud hammers and made awful noizes with the sawzall and ripped and cut and made stinky dust and put pieces of house all over on the floor so i didnt no ware to hide so i told the peepol heyheyhey let me outside peepol! and the peepol opened the window and i flew out and it was ok out there. even outside i heared the hammers and the sawzall a little bit becuz they were so loud.

the peepol found a mouse in the wall when they took it apart. they knew it was dead becuz it didnt run away when they found it. sometimes a mice dozent run away becuz it is skared, but this one waz just dead. i wanted to eat it but the peepol said no-no-NO! and out the window i went again. that was ok becuz it was kinda stinky anyway. randy took a picture of the mouse but lindsay wont let him put it on my blog so if you want to see it just send me an email and i can send it to you in case you like dead mice.

the peepol tell me not to worry becuz they are making my house better, but you know what i think? i think the peepol are just making my house noizier! if anyone with a quiet house is looking for a very good dog who dozent eat much and is very quiet and nice, let me know!